uggghhhhhhhhhhh

so, i haven't seen ugh recently.
not since my last post.
but we've been talking.

and he's been adorable.
which is infuriating.

i really hope this doesn't go anywhere.

it's been a while.
i sort of forgot this existed.
which is unfortunate. it's my last vestige of honesty.

i saw him tonight. the original him, who will henceforth be known as ugh.
it was good, overall.
he made me cry but not about anything involving him. just people we both know that i've had issues with lately. which was probably good for me.
i felt better afterward.

the whole night sort of felt like closure.
which i didn't realize i needed until now, i guess.
or maybe i did know and didn't want to admit it.

either way, i got it.
it went the way i wanted in some ways. and the way i needed it to go overall.

we have vague plans to hang out again?
i don't think it will happen.
i'm torn as to whether or not i want it to.

it probably shouldn't.
we're not friends. i don't think we ever will be.
we were once for a long time but things got weird.
it didn't feel like there was anything between us.
just an awkward shadow of what was once there.

i'm glad we argued but still ended on nice terms.
it was very cathartic.

i feel really positive right now.
i'm glad i cried.
i'm glad nothing happened between us physically, aside from a hug.
i don't think i'll hear from him again and i'm glad about that too.

i think i'm genuinely ready to move on now.
i hope i still feel this way tomorrow.

like a drifter

i was born to walk alone.





so, the amphetamines are working out pretty nicely.
i get everything done at work.
and it's so much easier to be super friendly.

bonus, my skin has cleared up like whoa and i've lost somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds.

it's probably not the safest thing for me to be taking.
but damnit, i want to be skinny this summer.
so whatever.

if i die, at least i'll look fabulous at the funeral.

fuck fuck nipple fuck.

i need time off.
i need to cool the fuck down.
i've been taking amphetamines just to get through the day.
so by the time the weekend comes and i'm off them i'm an angry zombie.

and there's no fucking end in sight.
mid to late july.
that's when i'll get a break.
might as well be next year.

i can't keep working six days a week.
it never fucking ends.

i'm tired of being accountable for so much money.
i'm tired of making confirmation calls.
i want a desk job.
i want a nap.
i want a job where i start and stop at set times.
i work pretty much 24/7 now. it's too much.

and on the boy front things are not any less ridiculous.

it's still about him.
which i'm starting to think will never change.
and it's retarded.
though really, we deserve each other.

at least i stand a chance if i ever decide to pursue someone else.
him, not so much.
he's way crazier than i've ever been.

and the sad part is, i've gotten closer to him than anyone else.
most of that was through my own perceptiveness.
not through him sharing things.
i mean, he does.
but still, it's unlikely that anyone will ever crack him like i have.
and yeah, it's kind of sad.
i worry about him.

i should be working and not doing this.
but i fucking hate it.

your actions have spoken

much louder than your words.



i don't want to be old anymore.
i'm 23 now.
wtf?

when did that happen?

can't i just go back to being 17 and stay there?
or is the fact that i genuinely want that as sad as i think it might be?

i don't want to grow up anymore.
i don't want to be an adult.
i don't want to work my ass off every damn day.
i don't want to pay bills.
i don't want to get married.
i don't want to have kids.
i don't want to get wrinkled.
i don't want to get grey hair.
i don't want to die.

this sucks.

if you were a wink

i'd be a nod.
if you were a seed.
well, i'd be a pod.




bad. not good. trouble.
we hung out again last night.
the sex was even better this time.

and he's doing everything right.
and being what i want him to be.

he just picked a bad time to do it.

i decided i need to hang out with leroy, asap.
hopefully this weekend.
i need a fucking reality check.

the title of this blog has never been so apt.

i'm seeing him again. i don't really know what's going on.

we went out on tuesday. he picked me up, we went to a bar. he paid for everything as if it was just assumed. which was nice.

we had sex. and it was actually really really good.

he called me last night. to tell me that he really enjoyed the other night and that we should go out again. and "just to check in."
and i'm pretty much reeling.

i also met this other dude. on internets. we'll call him leroy because it's funny and not at all representative of anything. we haven't hung out yet. but he's so amazing. and i've decided that i absolutely have to date him. him being leroy. i've been entirely too wrapped up in my other him for entirely too long.

i forget what kissing someone else is like.
that's not good.

her name was lola.

she was a showgirl.



i want aidan.

not mr. big.

how do i rewire myself so that i stop being attracted to jerks?

whatevs.

i've been watching a lot of sex and the city.
which is a bad idea because i tend to live vicariously through relationships in movies and television.
and he is so mr. big it's ridiculous.
or at least he will be in 15 years.
but yeah, he's already damn close.

i went to a party over the weekend.
i met a dude who was pretty neat.
i liked him.
he was cute.
i have no idea if anything will happen with it.

i honestly don't want someone else.
and it sucks.

emotion-y crap.

he went out with someone else last night.
his sister, fuckhead was making fun of him and being all like, "so is this your new giiiiiiiiiiiiiirlfriend?" etc...
because she is a jerk.

and i was pretty miserable.
and sad and whatever.
so i bitched to other sister about how much of a jerk fuckhead is.
and i felt slightly better.

i really need to go out on a date or something and have it go well.
i'm tired of having feelings.
i take back everything i said about wanting them. they're dumb.

so, you when you see me on the real.

formin' like voltron.
remember i got deep like a baby seal.



so, it's over.
i finally caved and initiated the talk or whatever last night.
i almost held out two months.
yay me?

i yelled at him.  which was good.
i think i needed to do that.
and he took it.
and acknowledged that he's a jerk.
and admitted that he fucked up.  and that he's at fault.

basically, he likes me.  more than most people.
and he cares about me.
but he's not in love with me.
he doesn't see things with me working out long-term and can't explain why.

but from what he said about his last girlfriend and what i already knew about previous exes, i've come to the conclusion that he basically isn't that into me because there's nothing wrong with me.
he seems to like flaky girls who do retarded, illogical things.
i can't quite pinpoint the reasoning.  but it definitely has something to do with fixing them.
and with me, there's nothing to fix.
i'm pretty much self-sufficient and fully awesome.

so, that's sort of a compliment in an ass backward sort of way.

i cried.  which was weird.
i didn't want to drive home so i stayed.
i told him the complete truth, surprisingly.
and then we tried to sleep.
and i told him i wanted to try to be friends.  but that i needed him to promise me he wouldn't make a move or try to cuddle with me.
he thought that was unreasonable.  and that i should be able to stop myself.
that was when i started crying.
then he agreed to my request.

i also asked him if we could pretend that whole conversation never happened just for the night.  and then it'd be over.

so we did.  and it was actually really fucking great.
and i guess it's good that it ended well.
but it sucks at the same time because it really is over.

he kissed me goodbye like he usually does.  which was sort of awkward.  but it was nice at the same time.

i don't know if the whole friends thing is actually going to work.
i kinda doubt it.
as much as i like to pretend i'm capable of being rational, deep down i just keep concocting scenarios where he realizes he was totally wrong and he loves me.

i think i really need to be totally away from him for a while before i can actually deal with it.
and considering our track record, i probably won't be able to see him after that either.
i really don't want this to start up again.

it's a shame.  he really is pretty awesome.

and if i hadn't set aside

the fact that you were broken hearted.
hell knows where your heart would be today.
maybe with me.





i didn't go to bed last night.
which is ridiculous because i'm supposed to be on my way to work right now.
luckily i am not because weather is dumb.

i did some half sleeping, mostly tossing and turning for about an hour.

which resulted in... well i guess you'd call them lucid dreams.
whatever.
they were weird.

i started thinking about him.
it was normal at first.
then it was like, bam!
moving in together.
proposals.
wedding rings.
i love yous.

crazy.

and i mean, yeah.  i don't hate that idea.
and i might even want all those things at some point.

but a few hours ago i really wanted all of it.  and i was sort of upset, maybe?
i don't know what to call it.
i was basically just really emotional and half asleep.

it's a relief that i don't feel that way right now.
but it freaks me out that i felt them that intensely at all.

i just don't want to fuck things up with him.
what if i get like that again when i'm with him and make him talk about where our relationship is going or whatever?
i really don't want to do that.

ugh.
/crazy talk

fuck the city

and fuck this filthy air.



today is a weird day.
i changed my hair.  drastically.

it looks really good.  but at the same time, it makes me look like i'm back in high school.
i mean, i'm still hotter than i was then.
but yeah, it's like deja vu.
weirds me out.

i think i'm going through another alcoholic phase.
which sounds silly.
but it's how i do everything.  in waves.

i'm not capable of being into anything all the time.
i get really into it, then i stop, then i get into it again, then i stop.
lather, rinse, repeat.

lately i sorta feel like i want to move into the bar.
maybe i should find an apartment above one.
though that sounds like it could be disastrous.

if you want my body

and you think i'm sexy.
come on sugar, let me know.




i feel like going to the bar.
-- end of transmission.

i'm bored with being bored.

not working and still getting paid is only good in theory.
in reality it means i do nothing and sleep a lot and it sucks.

and in theory, i want to do things.
i want to go the gym.
and fix things.
and clean my room.

but in reality, not having any responsibility means being well... irresponsible.

and it's lame.  and boring.  and i can't wait until work picks up again.

babbling.

so, the other night was nice.  i mean, it wasn't like wonderfully amazing.  but it wasn't bad either.
i don't really know what i expected to happen.
just anything, i guess.
but it wasn't any different from the norm.

we still haven't talked about what's up with us.
which i'm fine with, in theory.

i don't actually want to talk about it.
and i don't really have any urge to initiate the talk.

but damnit, why hasn't he?

i make no sense.  i don't want to talk about our relationship but i want him to want to talk about it.
it's pretty ridiculous.

but it makes sense.  to me at least.  and probably to anyone else with a uterus.

it's got to happen eventually, right?
at the very least we'll have to decide if we want to see other people at all.

it's weird.  sometimes i wonder if he's gone on dates recently.  but i don't get jealous or anything.  because i really don't think he has.
but if he did, i'd be really upset.
which may or may not be okay.

i hate that the obvious answer is to just ask him.
because that's the last thing i want to or think i should do.

i can't see what anyone can see...

in anyone else, but you.



so, i'm going to be seeing him in like an hour.
we haven't hung out in almost two weeks.
i've got the whole butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees thing going on.
it's sort of silly.
but it feels nice.

i just have a feeling that tonight's going to go really amazingly well.
*crosses fingers*

i don't effing know.

seriously.

i wish i had more interesting things to talk about.

my camera showed up today.  my $1,100 one.
i'm pretty stoked about it.
i can go take pictures on my own without the company printing them and all.
and see how it goes.
i mean, i'm not even remotely close to ready to go full-on freelance.
but yeah, i figure i can at least make back the money i spent on the camera.

ugh, i really am boring.
but i refuse to talk about him right now.
refuse.

having whitesnake stuck in my head can only mean good things, right?

i don't know whether he calls me all the time because he's lonely or if he just really wants to talk to me.

things are so different with him now.
and it isn't all an obvious improvement.
but i mean, it seems better.  overall.

when he asks me to come over he makes up excuses for it.
he never just says he wants me to come sleep over like he used to.
he makes up silly reasons instead of just saying he wants to see me.
and then i take them literally for the lolz.

and really, who knows how to take that?

the only thing i can compare it to is the fact that i used to make up excuses to see him instead of just saying it directly.  because i was nervous.

but why should he be nervous?

it's odd because now i say flat out, "hey, are you doing anything later?  we should hang out."

it's like a complete role reversal.

i just don't know what to think.
and it's nearing the time for me to ask him what's going on with us.
but i don't want to be the one to initiate that conversation.
i sort of don't want to have that talk at all.
but if we do have it, i want him to bring it up.
i hate being the nagging, girly type.

it's not even like i'm upset about anything.
or like i want a commitment from him.
because at this point i genuinely don't.
i guess i just want to know what he's thinking.

basically, what i've been feeling lately is that i want him to tell me loves me.
and just skip the relationship discussion entirely.
because i really don't need to hear whether he wants to be my boyfriend or not.
it's sort of irrelevant to me right now.
i just want to know that i'm not reading into his behavior anymore than is justified.
and that he does feel the way i think he does.
and then we can both say our "i love you"s and be done discussing things.
and just hang out and enjoy eachother's company without any weirdness.
or expectations.
or potentially dangerous conversations looming over our heads.

the world is riddled with maggots.

the maggots are getting fat.



i think i want to be skinny.
i mean, everyone wants to be thinner.
but i'm talking like, emaciated.

i think it might be cool.
i was a twig when i was little.
twice as tall and half as wide as other kids my age.
it was awesome.

so, i know it's possible.
i'm not like genetically inclined toward a linebacker build.

well, all of my cousins are pretty much amazons like i am.
but thinner.
and they look pretty awesome.
so, i should try.

i've been losing weight.
i just need to figure out how to hurry it up a bit.
i also need to go that stupid gym i still pay for.
but it's so far away.
i will though, i want to be toned.

i need to be skinny before i hit 30 so i can start gaining a pound every few years once i hit 40 in order to ward off wrinkles.
yes, i do plan these things.
and yes, i know it's sort of nuts.


ps, things with him are good i think.
i don't really have enough to say to warrant an entry.
so i won't try.

oh manz.

so, i don't really know what's going on with him.
but, i think it's good.

i haven't seen him in like a week.
which is lame.

but he calls me and texts me in the meantime.
which is something he did not do before.

and it's kinda neat.

i'm still so confused about it.
because really, i don't want a relationship.
but at the same time, i want him.

basically, i think i want to live with him so we can hang out all the time.
because he's hilarious.
but not have any rules regarding seeing other people.
an open relationship, i guess.

even if i didn't date anyone else, i'd be fine with it if he did.
it takes the pressure off.
and everyone's happier overall.

this may be a terrible idea.
but eh, we'll see.

i like to oat oat oat opples and bononos.

so, i realized something today.
something i can't believe no one else noticed before i did.

you can't sell or donate a car you still owe money on.
uh duh?
how did i not think of this?

i already called the mechanic to tell him to fix my car.
he still feels so bad about it.
it's adorable.

but yeah, i'm going to fix the insides.
have the body shop that i love make the outsides look spiffy.
and then sell it.

bluebook tells me it's worth at least $6,500.
trade-in value actually which is less than what i could actually get.

so, once i make it run and look nice i can at the very least, pay it off.
worst case scenario is an auto auction.

i'd really like to just trade it in because it's so much easier and i get to continue being clueless about the entire process.
but that is pretty lame.
so i'll try not to cop out and do that.

but selling it to real people is scary.
what if it breaks right after they buy it and they sue me?
that would suck.

too many choices.

i may be stuck with it for a little while after it's fixed.
since financing is hardly an option for me right now.
though, my account with wells fargo is in good standing.
maybe they'd pick me up again.
who knows?

i wonder if i can call or something and ask.

i'm hungry.

there is a small amount of edible food in my house.
all of it would need to be prepared in some fashion.
but i can't really get to the stove or well, anything else in the kitchen right now.
i'm tired of living in a crackhouse minus the drugs.
unless you count prescription, then the minus is unnecessary.

i need to get out of here.
but i don't know if i ever will.

i decided i'm going to kill myself if i still live with my parents when i'm 30.
not in an "i'm so sad, you should feel bad for me" sort of way

but really more like, wow you failed.
you're no better than your mother.
just off yourself before it gets worse.

i need to get out of debt.
i don't know how.
i'm this close to filing for bankruptcy.

that scares me.
a lot.

i'm fucking hungry.
and broke.
and tired of being in this shithole.

and the weird part is, i'm seriously not a miserable person.
i don't really go around moping all the time, at all.
i find humor in everything.
even if it's my life falling apart.

which is great for the people around me.
but i'm starting to wonder if it's actually making things worse for me.
and slowly eating away at me.

i don't know what to do about it.
i tried being honest about my feelings.
but then i felt like i came across as needy and boring.
and really, i'm more comfortable with my macho, jerky self than my actual self.

how did i get here?

i seriously used to cry all the time.
and now i hardly feel anything.
sometimes i wonder if i'm faking it.

i mean, it's possible that i've built a wall so huge even i can't get behind it.
but maybe i didn't.
maybe i just killed off all those icky, nasty, feeling inhabitants.
maybe there's no wall, no fortress, just rotting buildings and dead bodies that represent every emotion i've ever felt.  aside from anger and amusement.
though even those are fading.

i don't even get mad anymore.
and sometimes i wonder if i laugh more out of habit than out of genuine amusement.

and i like to think i'm a happy person.
but it's really not true.
not being a sad person doesn't make you a happy one.
it's not that black and white.

i'm just... mellow.
i hate that word.
but it fits.
i just exist, i'm fucking easy-going.
and boring.

i mean, i'm still witty.
but even robots can be programmed to deliver clever one-liners.
there's no feeling behind it.
just snarky words laced together in an attempt to be admired for my wit.

i'm a fucking shell of a person.
i really am.

and the strange thing is, i'm actually very secure.
self-assured.
confident.
i like me.

but i don't think i love me.
or anyone else for that matter.
i don't think i'm capable of it anymore.

i wonder if i can get it back.
i wonder if i want to.

this post really did just start out as me whining about how hungry i am.
and in a way i guess it ended that way too.

ugh.

ouchie, my life hurts.

i am in quite the financial pickle.
my transmission blew up yesterday.
literally, the mechanic told me has it in pieces at the front desk.

so, it would be almost 3k to get a used transmission put into it.
lame?
yeah.

my car is worth more than that BUT i just know that if i put more money into it something else will go wrong.
it has 140K miles on it already...

so, i need to just cut my losses i think.
but, i owe $4,600 on it.
obviously, no one is going to buy it from me for that.

so, unless i can get a dealership to do one of those trade-in dealies where they pay off my loan i'm going to keep it.
and try to figure out how i can squeeze every last penny out of it.

and buy a new car in the meantime.
which i can sort of afford to do.
only issue is that there's no way anyone is going to finance me.
my credit is decimated.
totally not my fault, btw but that's for another post.

so, if i can scrape up around 15k i'm going to buy a chevy.
new cars have insane warranties.
and, i have a gm card so i'll get money back for buying one.
which is awesome.

worst case scenario with the old car is that i donate it to charity and deduct the blue book value off my tax return.
which means i don't get it back until next year and even then, it's only a portion of it.
but still, that'll probably end up being more than what i'd get for selling it.

i'm in such a precarious position right now.  it sucks.
if it wasn't for my grandmom, i'd probably live in a cardboard box by now.
i don't know why she keeps saving me, but i'm glad she does.
i'm not as self-sufficient as i like to pretend to be.

your armor will not fit me,

although fine it's suiting you.



anyway.
i saw him last night.
it was okay.

he's sort of gone back to his norm.
i mean, he wasn't not nice.
but he wasn't nice nice either.

i guess that's okay.

though i did prefer it when he was acting like he was in love with me.
he's actually being sort of weird now.

when i asked him if he wanted to hang out he totally "maybe'd" me.
i was aghast.

i don't really know where to go with things right now.
or if i should even be the one to do anything.

i'll just let him come to me.
that's my fallback plan pretty much every time.
and it normally works out.
it certainly can't end in rejection since it requires not putting myself out there.

maybe i shouldn't be so afraid of that.

i am still boring.

and yet ridiculousness finds me.

i got a call from schmendrick today.
he was sort of cool about two years ago.
i met him on internets.  we hung out irl.
he was pretty hot.
and dorky.
so you know, we did it.
a couple times.

then he "we'd" me.
and i was out of there.

he didn't seem to understand that i didn't want him to be my boyfriend.
this might have been more clear if i had stopped hanging out with him and doing him.
meh.
what can you do?

so, the last time i saw him was over a year ago.
there was drama.
drunk at a party, doing his friend in the bathroom sort of drama.

since then he looks different.
in a bad hair, not so hot anymore sort of way.
so obviously, there's no reason for me to hang out with him.

yet he keeps calling me.
sometimes he drunkenly proposes to me.
and it's all ridiculous.
and though it might inflate my ego slightly, it's also annoying.
and believe me, my ego is large enough already.

i don't really know what to do at this point.
i barely answer ims.
i never answer the phone when he calls.
how much more obvious can i be??

i can't be like, actually mean.
i think this may be the reason things like this happen to me.
i'm a jerk.
a borderline douchebag.
i say not so nice things.
i treat people like they're disposable.
but i never outright tell them i don't like them.
and for some reason, this causes them to become infatuated with me.

typing that out has made me realize that "him" and i are more alike than i realized.
he's the first person to ever treat me like i treat others.
and it works so well.

which begs the question, would it work if i used it on him?
probably not.  everything sort of crashed and burned the last time.

and he's been more direct with me this time around.
and nicer.
so, it'd be my fault if i wrecked it by playing games.





i hope i'm not a bad person.

i am boring.

i've done almost literally nothing today.

i watched robin hood, you know the kevin costner one.
and i ate a veggie burger.
then i napped.

no seriously that was it.
i haven't even touched a video game.

though i think i will now.
i bought snk v cadcom cardfighter for ds.
it's not terrible.
sort of painfully linear.
and way too easy.
but winning is still satisfying.
so i'll keep it up until it gets too boring.
i may actually finish it.

i totally bought it because i can get edgeworth as a card.  <3

also, my avi has an eye patch.
tuff.

me again.

so, tell me why my ex-best friend's ex-boyfriend is telling me that the reason he started dating her was to get closer to me and make me jealous.
apparently he developed actual feelings for her later.
but still, wtf?

i swear to bob i'm not that pretty.

i think it's just because i'm mean.
i'm going to start being nice to people.
then maybe they won't get crazy crushes on me.

wah wah wah.

okay so he answered.

apparently he'll probably be hanging out with assface, his bff after they get done being gay.  or whatever.

blargh.

he said he'll text me to let me know if he does or he doesn't.
and then i was sort of a jerk, maybe?
i was all like, "no, that's cool.  i'm sure i can find someone else to entertain me.  have fun with assface."

which may or may not be unreasonable.
i mean, if you take it at face value it's not so bad.
but if you read into it, it sounds more like "i can find some other dude to entertain me."
i may or may not want him to read into it.

if i do, i'm being a jerk.
and maybe manipulative.

ugh.
i swore we were done with head games this time around.
but it's such a hard habit to break.

i'm going to try really hard to be straightforward.
i've done an okay job so far.
i told him i'm in love with him while drunk.
which counts for something.
i think.

i just couldn't help it.
i mean, it wasn't even a legitimate rejection.
he'd already made other plans.
but the second i read it, it was just like "bam.  slap in the face."
and my knee-jerk reaction is to say something mean.

i hope one day i can get to the point that i respond to something that makes me sad with sadness and not anger.
i'm pretty sure i was capable of it once.

so, we're done.

no seriously.  i am serious this time.

on thursday i asked him via text message how his thing the day before went.
no answer.

then i get a retarded text at 1am on friday night that i didn't answer.

then he called me tonight.
we decided against hanging out because we're both tired and he doesn't exactly live around the corner.

so, i texted him like 10 minutes later to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night instead.
and guess what, he didn't answer.

i am dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone.

i don't care how amazing he is.
i don't care that i'm in love with him.
i don't care that when we're together he's SO FUCKING AWESOME.
i don't care that i like it when he touches my face.

you can't just not answer people's text messages, goddamnit.



ps, it is entirely likely that i will follow this post with a short message explaining that he was in the shower or some other place you do not take cell phones.
and that i am ridiculous and i overreact.

but just in case that doesn't happen, let me tell you one more time.
i am so done.  seriously seriously done.

so um, hi and stuff

i make a lot of blogs.
i've lost count of how many i have had.
i'm going to estimate about thirty.

i don't really know why i do this.
i guess, i just keep searching for somewhere i can be fucking honest.
it's gotten better.  i'm more direct in the ones people i know actually read.
but it's not the same.
i'm still vague.

so, i think i'm just going to use pseudonyms.
it'll be all secret-like.
and i can say whatever the fuck i want because first of all, it's unlikely anyone will ever read this.
and second of all, if they do.  the names will be changed, to protect the innocent and all that jazz.

so, hi.
my name's hazel.
except that it really isn't.
but we can pretend.