her name was lola.

she was a showgirl.



i want aidan.

not mr. big.

how do i rewire myself so that i stop being attracted to jerks?

whatevs.

i've been watching a lot of sex and the city.
which is a bad idea because i tend to live vicariously through relationships in movies and television.
and he is so mr. big it's ridiculous.
or at least he will be in 15 years.
but yeah, he's already damn close.

i went to a party over the weekend.
i met a dude who was pretty neat.
i liked him.
he was cute.
i have no idea if anything will happen with it.

i honestly don't want someone else.
and it sucks.

emotion-y crap.

he went out with someone else last night.
his sister, fuckhead was making fun of him and being all like, "so is this your new giiiiiiiiiiiiiirlfriend?" etc...
because she is a jerk.

and i was pretty miserable.
and sad and whatever.
so i bitched to other sister about how much of a jerk fuckhead is.
and i felt slightly better.

i really need to go out on a date or something and have it go well.
i'm tired of having feelings.
i take back everything i said about wanting them. they're dumb.

so, you when you see me on the real.

formin' like voltron.
remember i got deep like a baby seal.



so, it's over.
i finally caved and initiated the talk or whatever last night.
i almost held out two months.
yay me?

i yelled at him.  which was good.
i think i needed to do that.
and he took it.
and acknowledged that he's a jerk.
and admitted that he fucked up.  and that he's at fault.

basically, he likes me.  more than most people.
and he cares about me.
but he's not in love with me.
he doesn't see things with me working out long-term and can't explain why.

but from what he said about his last girlfriend and what i already knew about previous exes, i've come to the conclusion that he basically isn't that into me because there's nothing wrong with me.
he seems to like flaky girls who do retarded, illogical things.
i can't quite pinpoint the reasoning.  but it definitely has something to do with fixing them.
and with me, there's nothing to fix.
i'm pretty much self-sufficient and fully awesome.

so, that's sort of a compliment in an ass backward sort of way.

i cried.  which was weird.
i didn't want to drive home so i stayed.
i told him the complete truth, surprisingly.
and then we tried to sleep.
and i told him i wanted to try to be friends.  but that i needed him to promise me he wouldn't make a move or try to cuddle with me.
he thought that was unreasonable.  and that i should be able to stop myself.
that was when i started crying.
then he agreed to my request.

i also asked him if we could pretend that whole conversation never happened just for the night.  and then it'd be over.

so we did.  and it was actually really fucking great.
and i guess it's good that it ended well.
but it sucks at the same time because it really is over.

he kissed me goodbye like he usually does.  which was sort of awkward.  but it was nice at the same time.

i don't know if the whole friends thing is actually going to work.
i kinda doubt it.
as much as i like to pretend i'm capable of being rational, deep down i just keep concocting scenarios where he realizes he was totally wrong and he loves me.

i think i really need to be totally away from him for a while before i can actually deal with it.
and considering our track record, i probably won't be able to see him after that either.
i really don't want this to start up again.

it's a shame.  he really is pretty awesome.

and if i hadn't set aside

the fact that you were broken hearted.
hell knows where your heart would be today.
maybe with me.





i didn't go to bed last night.
which is ridiculous because i'm supposed to be on my way to work right now.
luckily i am not because weather is dumb.

i did some half sleeping, mostly tossing and turning for about an hour.

which resulted in... well i guess you'd call them lucid dreams.
whatever.
they were weird.

i started thinking about him.
it was normal at first.
then it was like, bam!
moving in together.
proposals.
wedding rings.
i love yous.

crazy.

and i mean, yeah.  i don't hate that idea.
and i might even want all those things at some point.

but a few hours ago i really wanted all of it.  and i was sort of upset, maybe?
i don't know what to call it.
i was basically just really emotional and half asleep.

it's a relief that i don't feel that way right now.
but it freaks me out that i felt them that intensely at all.

i just don't want to fuck things up with him.
what if i get like that again when i'm with him and make him talk about where our relationship is going or whatever?
i really don't want to do that.

ugh.
/crazy talk

fuck the city

and fuck this filthy air.



today is a weird day.
i changed my hair.  drastically.

it looks really good.  but at the same time, it makes me look like i'm back in high school.
i mean, i'm still hotter than i was then.
but yeah, it's like deja vu.
weirds me out.

i think i'm going through another alcoholic phase.
which sounds silly.
but it's how i do everything.  in waves.

i'm not capable of being into anything all the time.
i get really into it, then i stop, then i get into it again, then i stop.
lather, rinse, repeat.

lately i sorta feel like i want to move into the bar.
maybe i should find an apartment above one.
though that sounds like it could be disastrous.

if you want my body

and you think i'm sexy.
come on sugar, let me know.




i feel like going to the bar.
-- end of transmission.

i'm bored with being bored.

not working and still getting paid is only good in theory.
in reality it means i do nothing and sleep a lot and it sucks.

and in theory, i want to do things.
i want to go the gym.
and fix things.
and clean my room.

but in reality, not having any responsibility means being well... irresponsible.

and it's lame.  and boring.  and i can't wait until work picks up again.

babbling.

so, the other night was nice.  i mean, it wasn't like wonderfully amazing.  but it wasn't bad either.
i don't really know what i expected to happen.
just anything, i guess.
but it wasn't any different from the norm.

we still haven't talked about what's up with us.
which i'm fine with, in theory.

i don't actually want to talk about it.
and i don't really have any urge to initiate the talk.

but damnit, why hasn't he?

i make no sense.  i don't want to talk about our relationship but i want him to want to talk about it.
it's pretty ridiculous.

but it makes sense.  to me at least.  and probably to anyone else with a uterus.

it's got to happen eventually, right?
at the very least we'll have to decide if we want to see other people at all.

it's weird.  sometimes i wonder if he's gone on dates recently.  but i don't get jealous or anything.  because i really don't think he has.
but if he did, i'd be really upset.
which may or may not be okay.

i hate that the obvious answer is to just ask him.
because that's the last thing i want to or think i should do.

i can't see what anyone can see...

in anyone else, but you.



so, i'm going to be seeing him in like an hour.
we haven't hung out in almost two weeks.
i've got the whole butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees thing going on.
it's sort of silly.
but it feels nice.

i just have a feeling that tonight's going to go really amazingly well.
*crosses fingers*

i don't effing know.

seriously.

i wish i had more interesting things to talk about.

my camera showed up today.  my $1,100 one.
i'm pretty stoked about it.
i can go take pictures on my own without the company printing them and all.
and see how it goes.
i mean, i'm not even remotely close to ready to go full-on freelance.
but yeah, i figure i can at least make back the money i spent on the camera.

ugh, i really am boring.
but i refuse to talk about him right now.
refuse.