so, you when you see me on the real.

formin' like voltron.
remember i got deep like a baby seal.



so, it's over.
i finally caved and initiated the talk or whatever last night.
i almost held out two months.
yay me?

i yelled at him.  which was good.
i think i needed to do that.
and he took it.
and acknowledged that he's a jerk.
and admitted that he fucked up.  and that he's at fault.

basically, he likes me.  more than most people.
and he cares about me.
but he's not in love with me.
he doesn't see things with me working out long-term and can't explain why.

but from what he said about his last girlfriend and what i already knew about previous exes, i've come to the conclusion that he basically isn't that into me because there's nothing wrong with me.
he seems to like flaky girls who do retarded, illogical things.
i can't quite pinpoint the reasoning.  but it definitely has something to do with fixing them.
and with me, there's nothing to fix.
i'm pretty much self-sufficient and fully awesome.

so, that's sort of a compliment in an ass backward sort of way.

i cried.  which was weird.
i didn't want to drive home so i stayed.
i told him the complete truth, surprisingly.
and then we tried to sleep.
and i told him i wanted to try to be friends.  but that i needed him to promise me he wouldn't make a move or try to cuddle with me.
he thought that was unreasonable.  and that i should be able to stop myself.
that was when i started crying.
then he agreed to my request.

i also asked him if we could pretend that whole conversation never happened just for the night.  and then it'd be over.

so we did.  and it was actually really fucking great.
and i guess it's good that it ended well.
but it sucks at the same time because it really is over.

he kissed me goodbye like he usually does.  which was sort of awkward.  but it was nice at the same time.

i don't know if the whole friends thing is actually going to work.
i kinda doubt it.
as much as i like to pretend i'm capable of being rational, deep down i just keep concocting scenarios where he realizes he was totally wrong and he loves me.

i think i really need to be totally away from him for a while before i can actually deal with it.
and considering our track record, i probably won't be able to see him after that either.
i really don't want this to start up again.

it's a shame.  he really is pretty awesome.