having whitesnake stuck in my head can only mean good things, right?

i don't know whether he calls me all the time because he's lonely or if he just really wants to talk to me.

things are so different with him now.
and it isn't all an obvious improvement.
but i mean, it seems better.  overall.

when he asks me to come over he makes up excuses for it.
he never just says he wants me to come sleep over like he used to.
he makes up silly reasons instead of just saying he wants to see me.
and then i take them literally for the lolz.

and really, who knows how to take that?

the only thing i can compare it to is the fact that i used to make up excuses to see him instead of just saying it directly.  because i was nervous.

but why should he be nervous?

it's odd because now i say flat out, "hey, are you doing anything later?  we should hang out."

it's like a complete role reversal.

i just don't know what to think.
and it's nearing the time for me to ask him what's going on with us.
but i don't want to be the one to initiate that conversation.
i sort of don't want to have that talk at all.
but if we do have it, i want him to bring it up.
i hate being the nagging, girly type.

it's not even like i'm upset about anything.
or like i want a commitment from him.
because at this point i genuinely don't.
i guess i just want to know what he's thinking.

basically, what i've been feeling lately is that i want him to tell me loves me.
and just skip the relationship discussion entirely.
because i really don't need to hear whether he wants to be my boyfriend or not.
it's sort of irrelevant to me right now.
i just want to know that i'm not reading into his behavior anymore than is justified.
and that he does feel the way i think he does.
and then we can both say our "i love you"s and be done discussing things.
and just hang out and enjoy eachother's company without any weirdness.
or expectations.
or potentially dangerous conversations looming over our heads.

the world is riddled with maggots.

the maggots are getting fat.



i think i want to be skinny.
i mean, everyone wants to be thinner.
but i'm talking like, emaciated.

i think it might be cool.
i was a twig when i was little.
twice as tall and half as wide as other kids my age.
it was awesome.

so, i know it's possible.
i'm not like genetically inclined toward a linebacker build.

well, all of my cousins are pretty much amazons like i am.
but thinner.
and they look pretty awesome.
so, i should try.

i've been losing weight.
i just need to figure out how to hurry it up a bit.
i also need to go that stupid gym i still pay for.
but it's so far away.
i will though, i want to be toned.

i need to be skinny before i hit 30 so i can start gaining a pound every few years once i hit 40 in order to ward off wrinkles.
yes, i do plan these things.
and yes, i know it's sort of nuts.


ps, things with him are good i think.
i don't really have enough to say to warrant an entry.
so i won't try.

oh manz.

so, i don't really know what's going on with him.
but, i think it's good.

i haven't seen him in like a week.
which is lame.

but he calls me and texts me in the meantime.
which is something he did not do before.

and it's kinda neat.

i'm still so confused about it.
because really, i don't want a relationship.
but at the same time, i want him.

basically, i think i want to live with him so we can hang out all the time.
because he's hilarious.
but not have any rules regarding seeing other people.
an open relationship, i guess.

even if i didn't date anyone else, i'd be fine with it if he did.
it takes the pressure off.
and everyone's happier overall.

this may be a terrible idea.
but eh, we'll see.

i like to oat oat oat opples and bononos.

so, i realized something today.
something i can't believe no one else noticed before i did.

you can't sell or donate a car you still owe money on.
uh duh?
how did i not think of this?

i already called the mechanic to tell him to fix my car.
he still feels so bad about it.
it's adorable.

but yeah, i'm going to fix the insides.
have the body shop that i love make the outsides look spiffy.
and then sell it.

bluebook tells me it's worth at least $6,500.
trade-in value actually which is less than what i could actually get.

so, once i make it run and look nice i can at the very least, pay it off.
worst case scenario is an auto auction.

i'd really like to just trade it in because it's so much easier and i get to continue being clueless about the entire process.
but that is pretty lame.
so i'll try not to cop out and do that.

but selling it to real people is scary.
what if it breaks right after they buy it and they sue me?
that would suck.

too many choices.

i may be stuck with it for a little while after it's fixed.
since financing is hardly an option for me right now.
though, my account with wells fargo is in good standing.
maybe they'd pick me up again.
who knows?

i wonder if i can call or something and ask.

i'm hungry.

there is a small amount of edible food in my house.
all of it would need to be prepared in some fashion.
but i can't really get to the stove or well, anything else in the kitchen right now.
i'm tired of living in a crackhouse minus the drugs.
unless you count prescription, then the minus is unnecessary.

i need to get out of here.
but i don't know if i ever will.

i decided i'm going to kill myself if i still live with my parents when i'm 30.
not in an "i'm so sad, you should feel bad for me" sort of way

but really more like, wow you failed.
you're no better than your mother.
just off yourself before it gets worse.

i need to get out of debt.
i don't know how.
i'm this close to filing for bankruptcy.

that scares me.
a lot.

i'm fucking hungry.
and broke.
and tired of being in this shithole.

and the weird part is, i'm seriously not a miserable person.
i don't really go around moping all the time, at all.
i find humor in everything.
even if it's my life falling apart.

which is great for the people around me.
but i'm starting to wonder if it's actually making things worse for me.
and slowly eating away at me.

i don't know what to do about it.
i tried being honest about my feelings.
but then i felt like i came across as needy and boring.
and really, i'm more comfortable with my macho, jerky self than my actual self.

how did i get here?

i seriously used to cry all the time.
and now i hardly feel anything.
sometimes i wonder if i'm faking it.

i mean, it's possible that i've built a wall so huge even i can't get behind it.
but maybe i didn't.
maybe i just killed off all those icky, nasty, feeling inhabitants.
maybe there's no wall, no fortress, just rotting buildings and dead bodies that represent every emotion i've ever felt.  aside from anger and amusement.
though even those are fading.

i don't even get mad anymore.
and sometimes i wonder if i laugh more out of habit than out of genuine amusement.

and i like to think i'm a happy person.
but it's really not true.
not being a sad person doesn't make you a happy one.
it's not that black and white.

i'm just... mellow.
i hate that word.
but it fits.
i just exist, i'm fucking easy-going.
and boring.

i mean, i'm still witty.
but even robots can be programmed to deliver clever one-liners.
there's no feeling behind it.
just snarky words laced together in an attempt to be admired for my wit.

i'm a fucking shell of a person.
i really am.

and the strange thing is, i'm actually very secure.
self-assured.
confident.
i like me.

but i don't think i love me.
or anyone else for that matter.
i don't think i'm capable of it anymore.

i wonder if i can get it back.
i wonder if i want to.

this post really did just start out as me whining about how hungry i am.
and in a way i guess it ended that way too.

ugh.

ouchie, my life hurts.

i am in quite the financial pickle.
my transmission blew up yesterday.
literally, the mechanic told me has it in pieces at the front desk.

so, it would be almost 3k to get a used transmission put into it.
lame?
yeah.

my car is worth more than that BUT i just know that if i put more money into it something else will go wrong.
it has 140K miles on it already...

so, i need to just cut my losses i think.
but, i owe $4,600 on it.
obviously, no one is going to buy it from me for that.

so, unless i can get a dealership to do one of those trade-in dealies where they pay off my loan i'm going to keep it.
and try to figure out how i can squeeze every last penny out of it.

and buy a new car in the meantime.
which i can sort of afford to do.
only issue is that there's no way anyone is going to finance me.
my credit is decimated.
totally not my fault, btw but that's for another post.

so, if i can scrape up around 15k i'm going to buy a chevy.
new cars have insane warranties.
and, i have a gm card so i'll get money back for buying one.
which is awesome.

worst case scenario with the old car is that i donate it to charity and deduct the blue book value off my tax return.
which means i don't get it back until next year and even then, it's only a portion of it.
but still, that'll probably end up being more than what i'd get for selling it.

i'm in such a precarious position right now.  it sucks.
if it wasn't for my grandmom, i'd probably live in a cardboard box by now.
i don't know why she keeps saving me, but i'm glad she does.
i'm not as self-sufficient as i like to pretend to be.

your armor will not fit me,

although fine it's suiting you.



anyway.
i saw him last night.
it was okay.

he's sort of gone back to his norm.
i mean, he wasn't not nice.
but he wasn't nice nice either.

i guess that's okay.

though i did prefer it when he was acting like he was in love with me.
he's actually being sort of weird now.

when i asked him if he wanted to hang out he totally "maybe'd" me.
i was aghast.

i don't really know where to go with things right now.
or if i should even be the one to do anything.

i'll just let him come to me.
that's my fallback plan pretty much every time.
and it normally works out.
it certainly can't end in rejection since it requires not putting myself out there.

maybe i shouldn't be so afraid of that.

i am still boring.

and yet ridiculousness finds me.

i got a call from schmendrick today.
he was sort of cool about two years ago.
i met him on internets.  we hung out irl.
he was pretty hot.
and dorky.
so you know, we did it.
a couple times.

then he "we'd" me.
and i was out of there.

he didn't seem to understand that i didn't want him to be my boyfriend.
this might have been more clear if i had stopped hanging out with him and doing him.
meh.
what can you do?

so, the last time i saw him was over a year ago.
there was drama.
drunk at a party, doing his friend in the bathroom sort of drama.

since then he looks different.
in a bad hair, not so hot anymore sort of way.
so obviously, there's no reason for me to hang out with him.

yet he keeps calling me.
sometimes he drunkenly proposes to me.
and it's all ridiculous.
and though it might inflate my ego slightly, it's also annoying.
and believe me, my ego is large enough already.

i don't really know what to do at this point.
i barely answer ims.
i never answer the phone when he calls.
how much more obvious can i be??

i can't be like, actually mean.
i think this may be the reason things like this happen to me.
i'm a jerk.
a borderline douchebag.
i say not so nice things.
i treat people like they're disposable.
but i never outright tell them i don't like them.
and for some reason, this causes them to become infatuated with me.

typing that out has made me realize that "him" and i are more alike than i realized.
he's the first person to ever treat me like i treat others.
and it works so well.

which begs the question, would it work if i used it on him?
probably not.  everything sort of crashed and burned the last time.

and he's been more direct with me this time around.
and nicer.
so, it'd be my fault if i wrecked it by playing games.





i hope i'm not a bad person.

i am boring.

i've done almost literally nothing today.

i watched robin hood, you know the kevin costner one.
and i ate a veggie burger.
then i napped.

no seriously that was it.
i haven't even touched a video game.

though i think i will now.
i bought snk v cadcom cardfighter for ds.
it's not terrible.
sort of painfully linear.
and way too easy.
but winning is still satisfying.
so i'll keep it up until it gets too boring.
i may actually finish it.

i totally bought it because i can get edgeworth as a card.  <3

also, my avi has an eye patch.
tuff.

me again.

so, tell me why my ex-best friend's ex-boyfriend is telling me that the reason he started dating her was to get closer to me and make me jealous.
apparently he developed actual feelings for her later.
but still, wtf?

i swear to bob i'm not that pretty.

i think it's just because i'm mean.
i'm going to start being nice to people.
then maybe they won't get crazy crushes on me.

wah wah wah.

okay so he answered.

apparently he'll probably be hanging out with assface, his bff after they get done being gay.  or whatever.

blargh.

he said he'll text me to let me know if he does or he doesn't.
and then i was sort of a jerk, maybe?
i was all like, "no, that's cool.  i'm sure i can find someone else to entertain me.  have fun with assface."

which may or may not be unreasonable.
i mean, if you take it at face value it's not so bad.
but if you read into it, it sounds more like "i can find some other dude to entertain me."
i may or may not want him to read into it.

if i do, i'm being a jerk.
and maybe manipulative.

ugh.
i swore we were done with head games this time around.
but it's such a hard habit to break.

i'm going to try really hard to be straightforward.
i've done an okay job so far.
i told him i'm in love with him while drunk.
which counts for something.
i think.

i just couldn't help it.
i mean, it wasn't even a legitimate rejection.
he'd already made other plans.
but the second i read it, it was just like "bam.  slap in the face."
and my knee-jerk reaction is to say something mean.

i hope one day i can get to the point that i respond to something that makes me sad with sadness and not anger.
i'm pretty sure i was capable of it once.

so, we're done.

no seriously.  i am serious this time.

on thursday i asked him via text message how his thing the day before went.
no answer.

then i get a retarded text at 1am on friday night that i didn't answer.

then he called me tonight.
we decided against hanging out because we're both tired and he doesn't exactly live around the corner.

so, i texted him like 10 minutes later to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night instead.
and guess what, he didn't answer.

i am dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone.

i don't care how amazing he is.
i don't care that i'm in love with him.
i don't care that when we're together he's SO FUCKING AWESOME.
i don't care that i like it when he touches my face.

you can't just not answer people's text messages, goddamnit.



ps, it is entirely likely that i will follow this post with a short message explaining that he was in the shower or some other place you do not take cell phones.
and that i am ridiculous and i overreact.

but just in case that doesn't happen, let me tell you one more time.
i am so done.  seriously seriously done.

so um, hi and stuff

i make a lot of blogs.
i've lost count of how many i have had.
i'm going to estimate about thirty.

i don't really know why i do this.
i guess, i just keep searching for somewhere i can be fucking honest.
it's gotten better.  i'm more direct in the ones people i know actually read.
but it's not the same.
i'm still vague.

so, i think i'm just going to use pseudonyms.
it'll be all secret-like.
and i can say whatever the fuck i want because first of all, it's unlikely anyone will ever read this.
and second of all, if they do.  the names will be changed, to protect the innocent and all that jazz.

so, hi.
my name's hazel.
except that it really isn't.
but we can pretend.