uggghhhhhhhhhhh

so, i haven't seen ugh recently.
not since my last post.
but we've been talking.

and he's been adorable.
which is infuriating.

i really hope this doesn't go anywhere.

it's been a while.
i sort of forgot this existed.
which is unfortunate. it's my last vestige of honesty.

i saw him tonight. the original him, who will henceforth be known as ugh.
it was good, overall.
he made me cry but not about anything involving him. just people we both know that i've had issues with lately. which was probably good for me.
i felt better afterward.

the whole night sort of felt like closure.
which i didn't realize i needed until now, i guess.
or maybe i did know and didn't want to admit it.

either way, i got it.
it went the way i wanted in some ways. and the way i needed it to go overall.

we have vague plans to hang out again?
i don't think it will happen.
i'm torn as to whether or not i want it to.

it probably shouldn't.
we're not friends. i don't think we ever will be.
we were once for a long time but things got weird.
it didn't feel like there was anything between us.
just an awkward shadow of what was once there.

i'm glad we argued but still ended on nice terms.
it was very cathartic.

i feel really positive right now.
i'm glad i cried.
i'm glad nothing happened between us physically, aside from a hug.
i don't think i'll hear from him again and i'm glad about that too.

i think i'm genuinely ready to move on now.
i hope i still feel this way tomorrow.

like a drifter

i was born to walk alone.





so, the amphetamines are working out pretty nicely.
i get everything done at work.
and it's so much easier to be super friendly.

bonus, my skin has cleared up like whoa and i've lost somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds.

it's probably not the safest thing for me to be taking.
but damnit, i want to be skinny this summer.
so whatever.

if i die, at least i'll look fabulous at the funeral.

fuck fuck nipple fuck.

i need time off.
i need to cool the fuck down.
i've been taking amphetamines just to get through the day.
so by the time the weekend comes and i'm off them i'm an angry zombie.

and there's no fucking end in sight.
mid to late july.
that's when i'll get a break.
might as well be next year.

i can't keep working six days a week.
it never fucking ends.

i'm tired of being accountable for so much money.
i'm tired of making confirmation calls.
i want a desk job.
i want a nap.
i want a job where i start and stop at set times.
i work pretty much 24/7 now. it's too much.

and on the boy front things are not any less ridiculous.

it's still about him.
which i'm starting to think will never change.
and it's retarded.
though really, we deserve each other.

at least i stand a chance if i ever decide to pursue someone else.
him, not so much.
he's way crazier than i've ever been.

and the sad part is, i've gotten closer to him than anyone else.
most of that was through my own perceptiveness.
not through him sharing things.
i mean, he does.
but still, it's unlikely that anyone will ever crack him like i have.
and yeah, it's kind of sad.
i worry about him.

i should be working and not doing this.
but i fucking hate it.

your actions have spoken

much louder than your words.



i don't want to be old anymore.
i'm 23 now.
wtf?

when did that happen?

can't i just go back to being 17 and stay there?
or is the fact that i genuinely want that as sad as i think it might be?

i don't want to grow up anymore.
i don't want to be an adult.
i don't want to work my ass off every damn day.
i don't want to pay bills.
i don't want to get married.
i don't want to have kids.
i don't want to get wrinkled.
i don't want to get grey hair.
i don't want to die.

this sucks.

if you were a wink

i'd be a nod.
if you were a seed.
well, i'd be a pod.




bad. not good. trouble.
we hung out again last night.
the sex was even better this time.

and he's doing everything right.
and being what i want him to be.

he just picked a bad time to do it.

i decided i need to hang out with leroy, asap.
hopefully this weekend.
i need a fucking reality check.

the title of this blog has never been so apt.

i'm seeing him again. i don't really know what's going on.

we went out on tuesday. he picked me up, we went to a bar. he paid for everything as if it was just assumed. which was nice.

we had sex. and it was actually really really good.

he called me last night. to tell me that he really enjoyed the other night and that we should go out again. and "just to check in."
and i'm pretty much reeling.

i also met this other dude. on internets. we'll call him leroy because it's funny and not at all representative of anything. we haven't hung out yet. but he's so amazing. and i've decided that i absolutely have to date him. him being leroy. i've been entirely too wrapped up in my other him for entirely too long.

i forget what kissing someone else is like.
that's not good.