crack my head open...

... on your kitchen floor.
to prove to you that i have brains.




done with ugh. not particularly interested in any dudes right now. maybe the youngin' but maybe not. we're supposed to hang out soon but the last time we did was like january and he's a flake.

i quit my job a while ago. i'm sort of looking for a new one. lolz. i applied for unemployment today. *crosses fingers*

i'm so torn. i've really been enjoying drinking and banging dudes and just being generally carefree. but at the same time, i don't want to be a mooch forever. i need to get a job. ugh. i should have saved up more money so i could make it through the summer jobless and happy.

overall, there've been tons of bad (borderline horrible) things happening. but i'm doing my best to see the bright side of them and it's working out okay. i'm a little bit miserable but i still like to party. so, i'm sure i'll be fine.

i'm so drunk right now.

and tempted to text him like, "wtf is your problem?  why did you tell me you want things to go somewhere then blow me off on saturday?"

but that seems more appropriate in person.  and sober.  or at least not retarded, melodramatic drunk.

ugh.

ugh is back.  though really, i might as well just stick with "him."

he started texting me again a couple weeks ago.  i didn't see that coming.  then we hung out over the weekend.  and it was really nice.  and awesome.  and like it used to be, but better.

and then it got weird.  he wants to get back together?  wtf?  i tried to explain to him why we're incompatible.  and told him that if it hasn't worked for the past three years, it won't work now.  he just insisted it would.

we moved onto other topics afterward and everything was fine after that.

but then someone did a tarot card reading for him and i which told me all sorts of scary things.  mainly that we really are going to end up getting back together.

and now i'm freaked out.

i haven't heard from him yet, which is good.  maybe i won't ever.  that might be easier.

but really, if he doesn't get a hold of me soon i'm going to end up texting him because i am a glutton for punishment.  and really, i enjoy the confusion.

uggghhhhhhhhhhh

so, i haven't seen ugh recently.
not since my last post.
but we've been talking.

and he's been adorable.
which is infuriating.

i really hope this doesn't go anywhere.

it's been a while.
i sort of forgot this existed.
which is unfortunate. it's my last vestige of honesty.

i saw him tonight. the original him, who will henceforth be known as ugh.
it was good, overall.
he made me cry but not about anything involving him. just people we both know that i've had issues with lately. which was probably good for me.
i felt better afterward.

the whole night sort of felt like closure.
which i didn't realize i needed until now, i guess.
or maybe i did know and didn't want to admit it.

either way, i got it.
it went the way i wanted in some ways. and the way i needed it to go overall.

we have vague plans to hang out again?
i don't think it will happen.
i'm torn as to whether or not i want it to.

it probably shouldn't.
we're not friends. i don't think we ever will be.
we were once for a long time but things got weird.
it didn't feel like there was anything between us.
just an awkward shadow of what was once there.

i'm glad we argued but still ended on nice terms.
it was very cathartic.

i feel really positive right now.
i'm glad i cried.
i'm glad nothing happened between us physically, aside from a hug.
i don't think i'll hear from him again and i'm glad about that too.

i think i'm genuinely ready to move on now.
i hope i still feel this way tomorrow.

like a drifter

i was born to walk alone.





so, the amphetamines are working out pretty nicely.
i get everything done at work.
and it's so much easier to be super friendly.

bonus, my skin has cleared up like whoa and i've lost somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds.

it's probably not the safest thing for me to be taking.
but damnit, i want to be skinny this summer.
so whatever.

if i die, at least i'll look fabulous at the funeral.

fuck fuck nipple fuck.

i need time off.
i need to cool the fuck down.
i've been taking amphetamines just to get through the day.
so by the time the weekend comes and i'm off them i'm an angry zombie.

and there's no fucking end in sight.
mid to late july.
that's when i'll get a break.
might as well be next year.

i can't keep working six days a week.
it never fucking ends.

i'm tired of being accountable for so much money.
i'm tired of making confirmation calls.
i want a desk job.
i want a nap.
i want a job where i start and stop at set times.
i work pretty much 24/7 now. it's too much.

and on the boy front things are not any less ridiculous.

it's still about him.
which i'm starting to think will never change.
and it's retarded.
though really, we deserve each other.

at least i stand a chance if i ever decide to pursue someone else.
him, not so much.
he's way crazier than i've ever been.

and the sad part is, i've gotten closer to him than anyone else.
most of that was through my own perceptiveness.
not through him sharing things.
i mean, he does.
but still, it's unlikely that anyone will ever crack him like i have.
and yeah, it's kind of sad.
i worry about him.

i should be working and not doing this.
but i fucking hate it.